Tactical Flashlight With Laser Where Can One Shop

What’s with all the bags?
That’s not important
What is important
is that
there is a 7.7 magnitude earthquake about to hit California
I read up all on Buzzfeed about it last night
and we need to be prepared
So I spent the last 5 hours shopping to get us ready
Okay, um, yeah that sounds crazy
What’d you get?
(Scoffs) What didn’t I get?
Here we go
First: a tool bag
We’ve got to construct things once they’re
demolished
Obviously we are going to be the foundations
of the new civilization, right?
Not sure I fully get it, but keep going
Canned food
Because what’s better than
chicken of the sea and
chicken of the land
condensed into metal containers
Smart
Smart
A bat to fight off zombies
What?
And don’t worry
I got one for you in case we get separated
(Clink bats)
Zombies? I thought it was just an earthquake
Next: feather duster
Because we’re going to need to tidy up after
the world explodes
Okay…
Phone charger
Because how else am I supposed to Snapchat the apocalypse?
I don’t think there’s going to be electricity
Ice scraper
We live in California
Yoga mat
Because when there’s an apocalypse you’re
going to need to find your zen
And I’m namaste-ing on this all day
Des, you don’t even do yoga now
Perfume
‘Cause you’re going to get smelly
I think that’ll be the least of our worries,
but okay
Pug pillow
‘Cause odds are it’s going to get tough out there
How long have you had that?
A real-life dog
‘Cause you can’t cuddle a zombie
(Whispers) Who’s dog is that?
Don’t worry about it
Des, this is-this feels extreme
Candles
‘Cause how else are you going to see at night?
A flashlight
A pizza float
Because there’s going to be a lot of water
and we’re going to have to float around
That’s good
I’m sure that’ll be safe
A dream catcher
You’re living your worst nightmare, you might as well fight some of them off
I just, I don’t understand you
Keurig cups
Because it’s not officially the apocalypse until we run out of coffee
One step ahead
You’re not going to have a Keurig!
“The Complete Works of William Shakespeare”
You must stay cultured
Name one Shakespeare play
Beer
For obvious reasons
Okay, you’re starting to make sense again
An American Classic:
Magic Mike
Matthew McConaughey does get to me sometimes
And last but not least: a bandana
Because in order to survive the apocalypse
you must look the part
Des, I see where you’re going with this, I
understand the fear
but I think you might’ve gone like a touch
too far
That’s enough of that!
Now, I’m going to go build us a fortress so
we can withstand the elements
Good day!
(Door shuts) If this is for real we are so
dead
(DES O.S.) We will live forever!
(Outro music)

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Tactical Flashlight With Laser Where Can One Shop